Measured in Lasts

So, Ben's first birthday is now less than a week away and nearly everyone I talk to asks if I'm sad, whether I think I'll cry all day, how I'm holding up, etc.  Because we have lots of friends and family coming into town and coming over next Saturday, more than anything, I'm busy.  What did strike me as very funny today was measuring in lasts (I'll explain) and how much I was doing that last year at this time.  For instance, today as I was cleaning our bedroom, I thought, "this is the last time I'll clean our room before Ben is one."  Part of this goes along with minimizing work before people arrive and timing things correctly, but last year it was a much bigger deal.......

Let me say first that one (among many) wonderful things about adoption is that I was not pregnant right before Ben came.  While on one hand, a pregnant person has nine months to prepare, and I had two, I also felt like normal me right up until the day we met.  This coupled with knowing exactly when he would arrive via scheduled c-section, let me clean and prepare in earnest.  Cleaning was the one part of preparation I could really dig into knowing that it would be necessary whether things worked out the way we hoped or not.  I figured either way (baby or no baby) I'd come home not wanting to do much super-deep cleaning for a couple months.  As I peek back at my planner to the days before we departed for Iowa last year, there are listings like -last master bathroom clean or -Ryan final lawn mowing.  I so vividly remember deep cleaning my way around the house in a series of lasts.  I even got a surprise extra day at the last minute and decided to keep the day off and do some final last cleanings.   

So, this year as I tackle my lasts around the house before his party, I am thrust back to a year ago and the emotions I felt while completing my lasts.  That, more than the year milestone, has me feeling emotional.  Reliving the "I can't believe I'm really a mom."  At times in recollection it feels like I took myself out of my body a bit for protection-almost like I watched getting Ben from above until I knew it was safe to come back down and soak it in.  Perhaps things will shift by Saturday but for now I am swept up in memories of his "birth" day and the overwhelming joy, anxiety and chaos that surrounded it.  

He is doing so many new things right now that surpassing the year mark doesn't seem to bother me.   I told Molly last week that the physical "stuff" is hard at times.  When you want so badly to and fear that you might never become a Mom as I did, I think that stuff takes on deeper meaning.   All the things I wondered if I'd ever get to buy or use are going away more and more every day.  Bouncers, and bottles, and play mats, bye-bye!!  I do have nostalgia as Ben outgrows those things especially as I wonder if we will ever need them again. (but wow!, let's not go THERE right now!)

To lighten the mood before I conclude, (ha!), and as an example of the fun new things every day, I will share a story from this morning.  The window installer came by leaving us with a small window (ha!, again) to run an errand before Emma came to babysit.   I picked Ben up along with my purse and asked if he wanted to go run an errand?  Instead of heading to the garage I stopped to lock the front door behind window man and turned back towards the garage.  Ben's world at that moment ENDED!  Every dream was dashed!! He went limp and screamed and exuded so much distress from his little body I can hardly believe he didn't faint.  Mind you it is about 3 steps between doors and the second I opened the garage door all screaming stopped, giggles took instantly over, paired with arm waving and a heavy sigh.  Ben proceeded to "bop, bop bop" all the way to our errand and all the way home, happy as a clam.  It became very clear to me in those couple of seconds why they say toddler-hood begins at one, and once again I was reminded there's more going on in that Nugget noggin' than I give credit for. YIKES! 

A last cuddle before leaving the hospital

A last snooze in his hospital crib

(I gave Ryan that gender neutral outfit for Father's Day two months to the day before.)

Just waiting on Attorneys

First snooze at Ronald McDonald house

Our room at Ronald McDonald house. 

(Should be called Huge Blessing filled with Hugs House)