Dear Beautiful Strangers

Dear Beautiful Strangers,

I will never meet most of you and you will most likely never read these words, but my heart aches so much that I need to get them out.

I am so amazingly elated and blessed to be celebrating my first Mother's Day this year, however, I was not prepared for the sadness and guilt that would accompany my joy.  Repeatedly throughout this week, as the big day draws near, I break down with grief because I know so many childless mothers are in such pain.  In fact, our adoption came together so quickly that on Mother's Day last year I never would have dreamed I'd be celebrating this year.

During our struggle to become parents, I got so many well-meaning words of advice that I hated hearing that I now offer them with extreme reservation.

Instead of advice I will share my wishes;

• I wish that every woman who wants to become a mother finds a way or finds peace in being a mother in whatever way she can.
• I wish that every person who came upon parenthood easily would remember to cherish their blessings and treat their children well.
• Of course I wish there was mandatory insurance coverage for infertility treatments, and that both the domestic and international adoption processes were filled with less red-tape, bureaucracy, and COST.
• I wish the whole world were versed in fertility etiquette and that everyone knew how painful simple questions like, "when are you gonna finally have kids?" or "you must not want kids?" can be.
• I wish every great Mom and Dad in waiting could have a baby before watching their friends and family get blessed with their 3rd,.... 4th,..... 5th...... children.

However, as the saying goes, If wishes were horses ...... So wishing is not enough.  So I will;

• I will cherish my miracle son every day and keep my overwhelming gratefulness for his birthmom's decision in the front of my mind and top of my heart as he grows.
• I will work to educate mis-informed people I encounter and share the good and bad of what we've learned with those that it can help.
• I will stay connected to RESOLVE, the national infertility organization, and stay educated about legislation that can affect fertility rights.  I will continue to write to government officials where and when I can and stay on the look-out for support groups forming where I live that I might be able to help.
• Finally, I will never forget the pain that I shared with so many and the amazing gift that parenthood is.

In a perfect world, every woman who wanted to be a Mom on Mother's Day would be.  I hope there is some comfort in knowing that many before you who struggled and were blessed will never forget the pain or the struggle and will always be here with a listening ear and a supportive shoulder.  Because many stories of success kept my hope alive, I can offer one more and the advice to persevere.

With love, support and hope-Jess

Hat Head

I was out gardening in several different stints yesterday and Ben is a very good helper.  He sits happily in his swing and only requires a push every 5 minutes or so, and sometimes not at all.  At one point yesterday when we came in and I took his hat off......

 

Sorry Nuggs, I couldn't resist.  Look for a First Haircut post coming soon!

Respect the Schedule

I am a firm believer as a parent that kids need a schedule.  I know this is a controversial topic in some parenting circles, but I stand firm in my belief of its necessity.  That said, I also believe you can't stop living your life when kids come.  This week the proper balance of all this has come into question for Ben and me.  I think one of the most challenging parts is that just when we have one sleeping schedule down, it changes!  Feeding has settled quite a bit the last few months and I think we have a happy schedule and a happy baby in that department.  But I digress, back to sleeping.......Depending on the days activities and when he wakes up, it seems Ben's sleep needs can vary greatly.  Some days he sleeps from 930 am-1130 am and then is obviously not ready for a marathon nap at 1230 or 1.  On those days he goes back down for 1.5-2 hours anywhere between 2 and 4.  I thought we had happily settled into a 45 minute nap at 930 and a long one in the afternoon but it's just not the case.  This week we had a couple of activites planned at 1030 and Ben showed tired signs at home about 930.  In both cases he got short naps in the car but also had awful, crankopotomus filled afternoons and a feeding schedule that flew right out the window with everything else.  The goal here in the next couple months is to cut out the morning nap altogether and have one gloriously long afternoon nap.

When we were stuck at home all day with Riley here, it didn't matter much, but now that we'd like to get out into the world more, it is a challenge.  I also need to remember that most of our playmates are older and need less sleep.  In addition, because Ben is bigger and taller than most babies his age, he graduated from the infant carrier earlier.  It would all be easier if I could transition him into and out of places while leaving him asleep in the carseat.  It was also only a few weeks ago when he still needed an evening snooze and that seems like ancient history.  

The bigger challenge is my type A, "master planner" (as someone said), personality.  I start each day going over the plan in my head and usually have it down to 15 minute increments.  (Mom, I know what you're thinking here and you can keep it to yourself :)) That said, when we are off by even 30 minutes, entire activities or tasks have to be scrapped or rescheduled.  I also realize, Dear Readers, that these activities are not of earth shattering importance, but to me, they are LIFE.  

The Solution

I think a first important step is to not schedule exact time activities like yoga, Tot Tuesday, or play-dates on back to back days.  This way if his schedule is blown to bits one day, he'll get the comfort of having it back the next.  And really, if I fill his schedule at 8 months, what will life be like when he's 14?

Next, I need to filter which activites and tasks are time sensitive and which are not.  One big problem is my running.  I work all day to eat and drink appropriately so I will be prepared to run when Ben is not asleep and voila!-out the window.  The simple solution for that is to always run first thing after Ben gets his bottle.  And really who is gonna be out at 6 am wondering why I'm running with my baby in PJ's?? 

For the tasks and activities that don't have to happen at an exact time, I just need to keep a running list and maybe assign the amount of time I think each task will take and do and reassign according to Ben's needs.

Finally, I know these will all be problems of the past in a few short months and I have definitely been focusing on soaking up every minute of cuddle and rocker snuggles.  I need to focus on tuning into baby first and the world second.  Like everything in life, it's a delicate balance and what fun would it be if I had it all figured out?

 

At 3 weeks, when he couldn't even stay awake through a photo shoot.

 

At 2 months, in the glorious carseat where he could sleep (happily) anywhere.

Tot Tuesday

Our local Kansas Humane Society has a special childhood education program and on the first Tuesday of every month they host Tot Tuesday for tiny babes through 4ish-year-olds.  Although they sometimes do special events like Clifford appearances (which we missed last time), the standard Tot Tuesday includes a couple of animal related stories followed by an activity and meeting with some animals.  

This week after story time, the kids that could filled recycled water bottles with food and sealed the top with peanut butter.  I guess like a cheap and dirty make-shift Kong.  There were lots of large and fine motor skills used in the bottle making and a great reward in getting to hand your handiwork off to a deserving pup.  We obviously couldn't participate in most of this and chose to walk around the outside of the kennels while the other kiddos were inside giving their treats.  

I was extra thankful Tisha and Cadyn were in attendance as I reached for the camera only to find the battery dead, and Ben made some great new friends.  He absolutely loved a smaller Jack Russell mix and giggled and giggled at his pawing on the glass.  He also loved watching a puppy run around outside.  I wondered why we never get a similar reaction to our pups at home, but it must have been their small size and the glass separation.  He did seem pretty enamored with Luke last night but both Ryan and I wondered if it was coincidence that he was finally starting to feel like himself after his cold recovery or if those little pups really did add a new awareness.

Either way the day was a success (not so much the lunch after-but we can omit that part), and we'll go back next month, or maybe before if I need a good session of giggles!  

(Thanks again Tisha for the pics.)