31

Yep, this is my 31st post in my dear little mommy blog.  It also just happens to be my 31st birthday-did I plan that-you know I did!!  It actually just occurred to me a couple weeks ago so I'm only a little crazy.  

Some friends were discussing the big 3-0 a couple weeks ago and how they took it in stride or were excited but had absolutely no issue with turning 30.  This was not the case for me last year!!  

We were smack in the middle of our one and only IVF cycle and I was sad.  So sad.  30 had a lot of personal meaning for me in terms of motherhood.  30 was the age I was always going to have a baby on my own if I wasn't married.  What's worse is that marriage was just a bonus for me-not a life requirement.  I was always more concerned with being a mom than being a wife.  But there I was-with a more amazing husband and life partner than I could ever dream up-and no babies to be had-literally!!

Ryan and Molly had even begun planning an elaborate surprise party in Colorado that I quickly put an end to.  I was not in a mood to celebrate-or to fake it for anyone else's sake.  I apologized then and will say again that I am sorry I didn't let those who loved me try to make it special.  I do also strongly feel that it's ok to be sad in life and to do what you have to to take care of yourself.

But MY OH MY! what a difference a year makes.  Despite the mess and failure that was our IVF cycle,  I quickly grew excited with the prospect of adopting.  Ryan and I had discussed it earlier in our journey and I was so glad we both entered the decision with fully open minds and hearts.  Now would I have bet the farm and my little finger it would take longer than 6 days to be chosen as parents, you bet!!  But I wouldn't change a thing.  Through all of our trials and tribulations on the journey to parenthood, a voice in the back of my head said, "someday this will all make sense and you will know it was supposed to happen this way."  For many months, well...years, I hated that voice.  Now I would just tell others who hear it, that it speaks the truth.  I sometimes even felt guilty wanting a baby when I had such an amazing husband.  I would tell myself that he should be enough and that some people will never know that kind of love.  Well, the universe had different plans for us, and at 31, I could not be happier.  I am embarrassed to admit it, but I usually weep with joy at least once a day at the amazing life and beautiful boy we've been blessed with.  I might need to reference this post when he is 13 and driving me crazy!!

On the lighter side, in honor of my birthday, Ben tried his first non-cereal food today-homemade butternut squash-and LOVED it!  He is also working on a tooth, but after the last two days, I made it clear to him today I had not asked for a tooth for my birthday.

As a birthday/Christmas gift to myself and perfectly timed at the start of my 31st year, I have signed up to be a Thirty-One gifts consultant.  I have long considered becoming a consultant for other home based businesses but have always taken issue with the fact that I wouldn't buy or couldn't afford said product based on the quality.  I received a Thirty-One gift for Ben's baby shower and immediately ran to the computer to look for the store it came from.  It was then that Thirty One was revealed to me and my head started spinning.  It was important to me that whatever it may become, that I personally funded it, so I waited for some Christmas gift money and signed up.  I'm putting no pressure on myself or my friends or family, but simply hope it will be a fun creative and social outlet for me.  And if it allows me to take my husband to dinner once a month, well then that's just the icing on the proverbial birthday cake :)