Anna died too.

Pete Seeger and Bob Dylan

Tonight as we were watching "Brian," aka, the Nightly News, they discussed the death of Pete Seeger.  Ben was drawn to the guitar playing and asked about him and what his name was.  We discussed it for a while and then I mentioned that Pete died.  Ben turned to me and said, "Anna died too mommy.  She's all gone, but LUKE IS HERE!" While we still talk about Anna lots, I don't often use the word "died" when we talk about her.  I was proud of Ben for making the connection and once-again amazed at some of the things he understands.  While I realize he doesn't fully grasp what dying means, I could tell he knew that it was sad that Pete had died just as it was sad that Anna was gone.  Every time Ben remembers Anna is bittersweet, but I hope that by talking about it often and with the help of pictures, he'll always have a little memory of our sweet girl.

Big Guy and the Tarheel (400th post!)

Yesterday Ben returned to school for the first time this week thanks to Martin Luther King Jr. day and a simultaneous (let your imagination run wild with that one,) stomach bug with Mama while Daddy was out of town for work. I won't dwell on the gastroenteritis other than to say it made for the toughest week of my parenting life and there were a couple hours where a trip to the hospital was a minute-by-minute decision. 
But on to the cute stuff........
Despite begging to go to school the day before and not nearly removed enough from the "fun," Ben DID NOT want to get up and go to school yesterday.  Honestly, had I not had a Dr's appointment that I'd spent months trying to get, I would have let him spend another morning recovering and avoided the struggle.  
Amid the unending pleasantries of the morning, I put a Tarheel shirt on Ben I was sure he had forgotten and was sure it would cheer him up as he loves the Tarheel on his blue basketball.  He was totally unimpressed and cranky all morning.  
He did take time to comfort himself, however, in some of the toughest moments of the morning, but instead of asking his usual, "Ben, are you ok Ben?," he had now replaced "Ben" with "Big Guy."
I nearly lost my mind laughing when he bonked his foot and said, "Big Guy, are you ok?" "It's ok Big Guy, you're ok."
And so it has been ever since that Ben is Big Guy in his frequent third person dialogue.  I chuckle every time he says it and only wish I knew where he picked it up.
As for school and the Tarheel shirt that morning, Ben skipped all the way to his classroom, bid me the usually quick good-bye and ran over to proudly tell buddy Luke all about his Tarheel shirt.  It couldn't have been a better start to re-entry into the world of the living.

34 (Warning: this post gets VERY honest)

This seat, at the head of our outdoor table, looking out over family and friends, while we gather to eat and drink and laugh together, is my favorite place on earth. 

While I've never been big on New Year's Resolutions, a January birthday has always allowed a nice time for reflection on the past and upcoming years.  Because we were finally "home," and parents, and starting to settle, last year allowed for more personal goals and reflection and more work on the "me" that exists day-to-day.   I really wanted to work on letting go of trivial things like a continually clean house and be more present in more moments with Ben.  While life for me is always less stressful with an orderly and semi-clean house, I did a REALLY good job of both letting go of that control and of controlling my stress when I did. 
One very last minute dinner gathering in the late summer was a good reminder that I can almost always have my house clean enough for company with a nice table-setting in 30 minutes or less.  I am happy with the job I've done in the last year of setting those and other tasks aside and focusing more on really being present for Ben and for Ryan too.

The biggest surprise during the year of Tres-Tres was in my marriage.  Ryan spent most of the year completely buried in a big work project that took many months longer than expected to complete. Not only were there no family vacations, there were very few family dinners and even several months where a single day off for Ryan was a treat.  80+ hour work weeks became the norm and I became very sad. (I warned you all about the honesty.) There were many years of my life when I planned on being a single parent as I wanted to be a mom more than a wife.  Just when I was in the midst of making plans for my life to go that way, in walked Ryan.  I cannot imagine a life without him and having him as a partner in this adventure has been an unexpected and amazing blessing.  That said, when I chose this path, I chose to have and to be a partner.  While my days with Ben are a treat and one I don't take for granted, his dinner conversation does leave something to be desired. :)  More than family dinners, we missed Ryan being a part of our family as we settled into planning all of life's activities without him.  Soon every "fun" plan we made came with the angst of excluding Ryan.  
Additionally, taking on all of Ryan's typical household duties became stressful and started to eat into that quality Ben time I had worked so hard to create.  I also gave up on beginning a photography business as any free time I had was needed and deserved by Ben. :(
Thankfully, we are great communicators and I let Ryan know time and again that this lifestyle and schedule was not ok and could not be maintained.  That project is now complete and we're both working hard to help Ryan create a work/life balance that works.  He has admitted his tendency towards workaholism and constant awareness and a new boss have helped pull things into check.  As anyone who's in one knows, marriages are work, and this will likely always be the biggest struggle in ours.  We are plowing through it though-TOGETHER.  We've survived job losses, big moves and the pain of infertility.  Those struggles have made us stronger and I look forward to the day when I can say this struggle did too. 

So, Tres-Tres was unexpectedly successful and challenging as perhaps any good year should be. As the year came to a close, I reflected a lot on the successes and on continuing and broadening them.  There is nothing more rewarding as a mother than closing my eyes at night and knowing I've created a fun, enriching and love-filled day for Ben.  I also know taking time for myself whether for blogging, crafting, or exercising, makes me a better wife and mother.  I know I am happier and have more energy all day when I make time to exercise so that tops my list of goals for 34........

This year I want to focus on:
-taking better advantage of Ben's time at school to exercise
-being a more creative teacher for Ben and remembering those special activities take time and make messes
-enjoying the beauty and nature of the state we call home
-using our kind and generous family to babysit so I can "date" my husband more often

I wouldn't mind if this year included a couple more Red Rocks concerts and a few more beers on the deck than last year (if that's possible.)  At the end and beginning of it all, I am overwhelmingly blessed with family, friends, and a beautiful life. Cheers to 34!! Tres Quatro just doesn't have the same ring to it. :)

and party hats too!!

As we began telling Ben my birthday was approaching this year, his expected emphatic cheers for CAKE! were continually followed with, "and party hats, too!"  While we're not quite sure where this excitement started as his parties have never had hats and most he's attended haven't either, the insistence continued.
I remembered that the first birthday party he ever attended at just two weeks old to celebrate friend Cadyn's big 0-1, included uber-cute home-made hats so I got up early on my birthday and got to work. Thankfully Ryan took over the assembly after I had them cut and I pulled together a few stickers and letters for the day's expected guests to be able to decorate their own hats. 

The boys wore their new "Best Friends" shirts at my request

The day started with a visit from Nana and Papa and snacking on butter braid and coffee.  Gifts of 40-day aged all-natural rib eyes from a local butcher and charms for my Pandora bracelet were incredibly thoughtful and right up my alley. 

Ben had a lot of fun helping me open gifts-there's hope!

 

YUM!!

A visit from the Witherspoon clan the day before for Christmas and birthday gift opening meant I was feeling pretty blessed and lucky when the day had just begun.  The fun was really just beginning and Tante arrived shortly after a Craigslist shopper had looked at our dining room table which I was hoping to sell in order to replace for my birthday gift.  It was a successful sale and I'll post about the new table soon. :)
Tante arrived and we headed to the playground to enjoy the 60 degree+ temps and Ryan stayed home and began diner prep.

The playground plus the morning's visitors required a brief snooze.

Neighbors Kelly, Jason and son Joe had invited us over to watch the Bronco play-off game so we headed over there for a couple of hours and a Bronco win!! While I think dinner prep overwhelmed Ryan somewhat, dinner was delicious and gave my husband a renewed appreciation of what I do each day.  MeeMee stopped by for a hug before dinner and Tante stayed and we all enjoyed a relaxing evening capped with viewing of a recent favorite Duck Dynasty episode.  
While there was less excitement and pomp and circumstance than last year's big surprise party, I had a delightful day and look forward to discovering what 34 has in store.  It was hard for me to keep from giving Ryan pointers while cooking (though thank goodness I did,) so next year I think we'll go out or order take-out. :)

real deal grown-up non-fun

Sadly the new big-boy bed comes with amazing access to look out the big windows onto all of Ben's kingdom.  Those 90 year-old windows also surely contain lead paint (somewhere in the layers,) and it didn't take Ben long to take a bite. :(  I was talking to his Nana Pat on the phone when he ran up to me spitting out white paint chips saying, "we don't eat paint Mommy."
I tried to make it immediately and painfully clear that, "NO! We don't eat paint!"  Of course my mind started wandering and I started researching and based on living in an old neighborhood and near a major street with a kid who eats dirt, I was convinced we'd been slowly poisoning our son.
I called the Dr. and requested a lead level test and she immediately had one ordered at "the lab."
"Uh-oh," I thought.  "The lab," was the response I'd feared as I'd hoped they could do the draw right in the Dr's office.
Well we went to the lab at the nearby hospital and the tech suggested Ben give it a go in the big-person blood draw chair.  I thought she was absolutely crazy as he'd have full view of the draw going on and also asked if we could just do a heel stick like when he was tiny in the NICU.  She chuckled in response and before I knew it, that big long needle was in Ben's arm and he was SCREAMING and crying REAL tears!! The fun part came when he pulled his arm away, (I was simultaneously holding his head and other arm,) and she re-stuck him real quick-eeeeeeek!!! I'd been wondering, "HOW much blood she was going to take, " and "Does he have any blood left?"
The amount she drew after the re-stick was negligible but soon enough the horror ended. 
As we walked out and the tears continued to poor long after the crying stopped and Ben repeated, "Mommy, Ben is so so so so so so so so so so sad."
If only he knew I was more sad than he'd ever be.  We stopped for a special vanilla milk and special soft basketball for his new hoop and I'm sure he forgot the whole thing and I clearly never will.
Thankfully the results came back without a trace of lead! Whooo hooo! Ryan and I will sleep better and we'll all pray the six month follow-up test can indeed be done at the Dr's office at his 4 year appt. (please, please let it be so!)

bigger boy bed

Ryan and I had planned for many months before Christmas to give Ben his new big-boy bed as a gift from us.  Thanks to poor weather and some last minute work travel, I convinced Ryan to slow down and finish the bed correctly and that we'd skip giving it to Ben for Christmas.  It was a great idea that allowed us to do some other fun things over the holidays and allowed plenty of time for the painting process.
I will discuss the how and why of choosing to design and build the bed ourselves in another post when the trundle is done and the last of the bedding has arrived.
Huge thanks to Nana and Papa for their help with painting and for letting us take over their garage for many many days!!
I was able to convince Ryan to wait until after Christmas but when the last coat of paint was dry, there was no holding back this Dad from delivering this special gift.  We spent all day Sunday driving ALL AROUND TOWN in the snow getting the bedding, mattress, and more bedding components to allow Ben to start enjoying his new bed.  While I had hoped for a more HGTV style reveal much earlier in the day with an updated gallery wall and perfectly pressed bedding, we pulled everything together just hour(s) before bedtime and thankfully Ben had no problem sleeping in his new bed.  He only mentioned the old bed once and quickly agreed that, "Yeah, the new bed that Daddy made is so cute."

Click here to see Ben checking out the bed for the first time.

and some pics from the first days enjoying it...................

A PB kids bedding sale meant a trip to the "mall with the fire," and some Dairy Queen. :) 

 

How I felt on this day. I think we covered every inch of Denver.

No idea why there's a mattress in the living room but he'll take it! 

 

"and Daddy made it!"

Thanks to year-end mattress sales and January white sales, this kid got one comfy bed.  Mom and Dad are jealous!

A little more detail

He loves to read to Jelly in his new bed.

And some days that reading leads to a nap in the sunshine. :) 

protecting the magic

Well, in reflection of this year's holiday events, I feel like I didn't do enough to "protect the magic," for our little family.  I start preparing for the busy holiday season very early so that I can enjoy it all when the time comes.  I think this year may have been a perfect storm of last-minute events, a generous amount of time-off before the actual holiday for Ryan due to the placement of Christmas in the week, and several family sicknesses and events beyond anyone's control. So, I give some weight to those things and some weight to my inability to say "no" to gatherings  and to protect some certain time frames.
There is a bit of a catch-22 involved because being prepared and organized ahead of time allowed us to say "yes," to some of those last-minute gatherings but it also created an often tired pre-schooler and fitting LOTS into windows that were otherwise reserved for some always necessary holiday tasks. 
Mostly I wanted to make note because it weighed heavily on me in the days around and after the holidays and I would always rather do less and be "present" than pack in lots of hectic chaos. Christmas is one of my favorite holidays and I want it to be nothing short of magical for Ben as he grows.  Next year I will strive harder to "protect the magic" for our little threesome while working hard to retain the important traditions for all our families.

*These pics are from this year's holiday card that I didn't get in digital format this year.  Tante was kind enough to take them for us one November day and though we waited and waited for snow for the pics, it just didn't come.  Huge thanks to her for taking them and for her flexibility in scheduling them.

welcome 2014!!

my favorite pic of the night

 

Well our New Year's Eve plans changed many times throughout the last few months for one reason or another and in a nick of time the Turner family stepped in and offered to host our kid-friendly gathering.   There were several families and lots of yummy food and a big open basement for the kids to run and scream in-literally-for many hours.
With the constant and very loud commotion, Ben was asking to go home by 9. :(  We planned on a big sleepover for everyone but attempted to put him down in host Noah's room before the other kiddos were ready for bed. 
Unfortunately there was SO much fun being had by all (and quite as it should have been,) that there was barely a chance for sleep for our monkey.  He finally fell asleep just before 10:30 and was up again before twelve.  After moving him to our permanent sleeping spot and trying for another hour +, I decided we were going to head home.  Thanks to some revelry a couple nights before at our neighbors birthday party, I was not imbibing a sip so was a-okay to drive.  I was a little concerned about the others on the road but even more concerned about getting a wink of sleep before 4 am.  It turned out to be a good choice as we heard the party had stayed raucous at least that late. 
There were still several hours of great conversation and a short round of Cards Against Humanity that Ryan and I got to enjoy.
I think, however, the night was a lesson that pillow forts and Indian take-out are still the way to go for another few years. :)

Huge thanks to the Turner's for taking on the party and making it so fun for young and old alike!!

Ben became obsessed with the hula hoop.

 

CAGS

 

While Ryan missed Chad's head, Chad missed the part of the invite where PJ's were for kids.

Double trouble

total chaos

One of Christie's many beautiful trees

Can anyone guess which gorgeous and relaxed couple didn't bring their kids??

 

Here is Cole drunk and drunker (more drunk?)